Santa's Secret Read online

  “There is the lady from last night,” Isabel said.

  “Eva,” Rudi said, not missing the fact that just saying her name gave him a little glow inside.

  “Yes, Eva, and Oscar. Can we join them?”

  “I thought he annoyed you,” Rudi said, smiling.

  “He is naughty. But he is also fun.” Isabel scratched her nose. “Can we, Daddy?”

  “Of course.” He took her hand, and they crossed the road to the Exhibition Centre.

  Rudi pushed open the door and they were met with a rush of warm air. He stood for a moment in the foyer, taken aback by the high ceilings and the beauty of the decorations. He had expected yet more sickly-sweet representations of the Santa theme, and it was true that the woman standing by the door to the main exhibition wore an elf costume, and the décor consisted of the usual red and green colours. But the huge mural that covered the whole of one wall had been superbly painted. It showed a smiling Santa riding his sleigh through a wintry night, with Rudolph leading the reindeer at the front, his red nose shining with sparkling paint. Behind them, the artist had painted the aurora borealis, which glowed with iridescent greens and blues against the midnight sky.

  “They did a good job, didn’t they?” It was Eva, who had obviously spotted him and come over to stand beside him. “What a wonderful painting. I wish I could paint like that!”

  He smiled and turned to face her. She’d undone her duffle coat, and beneath it she wore jeans and a white sweater with a silvery thread that—matched with the red scarf—made her look festive and bright. “Good morning.”

  “Hyvaa huomenta,” she said carefully, then grinned. “How did that sound?”

  “Almost perfect,” he said, touched that she’d bothered to try to learn the Finnish words. “Except it’s HUU-vaa not HY-vaa.”

  She said it again, perfectly this time, and he nodded. “I’m terrible with languages,” she admitted as they made their made through the door into the exhibition. “Just don’t have an ear for them. I have no idea how you can be fluent in two.”

  “Actually I speak French and German as well,” he said. The truth was that he spoke English the best of his non-native languages because Vanessa was half-English, but he didn’t want to talk about his ex-wife today.

  She turned startled eyes on him. “Good grief. That is impressive.”

  He decided he’d try to think of more impressive things to tell her so she would look at him like that again, with an mixture of admiration and wonderment, as if he’d said he’d walked on the moon. “It is not so difficult,” he said, trying to be self-deprecating and not wanting to appear arrogant. “And besides I am not quite there yet. I still find contractions difficult.”

  “I’d noticed. You say ‘I am’ not ‘I’m’, for example. But you shouldn’t change. You have a lovely accent.”

  He’d always thought the Finnish accent slightly comical, hating the tell-tale musical lilt and trying to eliminate it wherever he could. But her compliment pleased him. “Thank you.”

  She smiled and indicated Oscar and Isabel who were sitting on a bench together, watching a cartoon about Christmas customs in different parts of the world. “That’s a nice picture, look.” She removed her phone from her jeans pocket and took a photo of the two of them. “I’ll send that to Bridget,” she said. “My mother-in-law.”

  “Good idea.” He took one as well. “I will send it to my mother. She will be thrilled that I have brought Izzy out of the cabin and into the big wide world!”

  Eva laughed, and he joined her as she began to walk through the exhibition. As well as the cartoon, large displays concentrated on the way that different people celebrated the festive season across the globe. There was even a stall where you could try different types of food served on Christmas Day in various countries, such as goat pepper soup from Nigeria, a sweet cinnamon pudding from Lebanon, the usual Western turkey dinner, and even a pavlova meringue pudding from New Zealand, which made Eva laugh.

  “It’s lovely being able to relax in such a child-friendly place,” she said, watching Oscar tearing around to press buttons and lift flaps on the displays of the types of presents given by different cultures. “I love museums but I’m always wary about taking him into them in case he knocks things over or breaks the glass or something.”

  “It is certainly very well done here.” Rudi looked around at the bright colours and glitter that made the whole room sparkle. Half a dozen assistants dressed as elves wandered around the room to help the children and answer questions, and everyone looked happy and excited to be there. Rudi watched Oscar jump up and down at the sight of a huge pile of presents lying under the enormous Christmas tree at the end of the room. The boy nearly exploded with excitement when the elf told him there was one there with his name on it.

  “But you cannot open it until Christmas Day,” the elf warned him. “At the moment it is just a box and it will not be filled until Santa visits your room on Christmas Eve.”

  Something inside Rudi melted at the look on Oscar’s face. Oh, to be that innocent! There was something so beautiful about youth—fresh and clean as the fields covered in snow outside. He looked down at Isabel, standing at his side, and put his arm around her. “Do you think there is a present for you there too?”

  Isabel shrugged. “Maybe.”

  Eva looked at her and smiled. “I wonder what Santa will bring you on Christmas Eve?”

  Isabel gave her an exasperated look. “Santa is not real, Eva. I know my father buys my presents. I know there is no real magic.”

  Chapter Five

  Eva bit her lip, shocked at Isabel’s flat, cynical words. The whole issue of when to tell a child the truth about Santa was a tricky one, and not a dilemma she looked forward to. How old had she herself been when she worked out who brought the presents? Nobody had told her in so many words, but she seemed to remember figuring it out before she went to high school. Seven seemed quite young, though.

  Isabel skipped off to join Oscar, clearly enjoying the act of bossing him about and making sure he didn’t touch anything he shouldn’t.

  Eva looked up at Rudi. “Who told her about Santa?”

  He shrugged. “She came home from school one day earlier this year and said an older boy had told her Santa didn’t exist.”

  “I see,” Eva murmured. “And you agreed?”

  “I didn’t disagree.” He studied her. “You think I should have said he was wrong.”

  Eva hesitated, not wanting to presume to tell him how he should bring up his child. “She does seem very young to have lost that belief already.”

  “I worried that if she went back to school and insisted the boy was mistaken, others would have laughed at her.”

  “I suppose.” Eva picked up a hand-made scarf and inspected the pretty pattern. Privately, she thought he could have tried to prolong the magic of Christmas a little longer. But equally she hadn’t been in that position. Rudi was obviously cynical about Christmas, and that was mainly why he hadn’t made an effort to suspend the girl’s disbelief. But it wasn’t as if he himself had told her the truth. Ultimately, if a child asked if Santa was real, to say no was lying, and that didn’t seem right either.

  She sighed. “The decision of when to take away that innocence is not a nice one. I’m torn in two, to be honest. Part of me wants Oscar to still be sleeping with his Pooh Bear when he’s thirty, to never leave home, to always call me mummy and to always need me to button up his coat and tell him to clean his teeth. But of course you can’t have that when he’s fifteen, let alone when he’s thirty. At some point I’m going to have to give him more independence. When he goes to school, for example, he’ll have to learn to get dressed and cope on his own. And that’s good, that’s the way it should be. It’s natural to want to hang onto their innocence, but it’s natural too, to want them not to be left behind while their friends are growing up.”

  She finished slightly breathless, not quite sure why she wanted to express herself so much, or why it
mattered that he understood.

  Rudi nodded. “I do agree with you. I have had arguments with Vanessa about Isabel using makeup and wearing clothing unsuitable for her age. I do not want her to grow up too quick, and I admit part of me regrets not denying what that boy told her, but equally those who are not prepared for the harsh realities of life can be easily hurt, and I want to prepare her if I can.”

  “I understand,” Eva said.

  She met Rudi’s gaze and gave him a sympathetic smile, and he smiled back. It was a harsh world, she thought. It would be natural to want to protect your offspring from similar pain when he had obviously been hurt in the past.

  The kids ran up, bored with the exhibition and wanting to move onto something else. Rudi held Isabel’s hand and said to Eva, “We were thinking of going to Santa’s Playground. I’m sure you’re probably busy and there’s no pressure at all, but I wondered… Would you like to come with us?”

  Eva’s heart swelled and she couldn’t stop an inhalation of delight, which must have blossomed in her eyes because she saw an answering gleam of pleasure in his as he obviously recognised her answer.

  But she was proud of herself for not jumping and down and squealing like her three-year-old, and instead managed a small measure of decorum as she said, “Well, that would be lovely, wouldn’t it, Oscar?” containing her excitement to a beaming smile as they made their way from the Centre.

  They walked the short distance through the village to the park, chatting about the displays in the Centre and this and that while the kids ran ahead and threw snowballs at each other. As she walked, however, Eva began to worry about what she was doing. Why had she agreed to go with him? All of a sudden, she felt uneasy and a bit nervous about what he was expecting.

  People would think they were a couple, wouldn’t they, if they walked around together? Oscar even looked like Rudi’s son, she thought, with his blond curls.

  And then that made her feel terrible, as if she were somehow cheating on Damon, and she shuddered at the thought of what Bridget would think if she should find out. What would she say when her mother-in-law rang? She’d always been terrible at lying and she knew she’d just blurt it out as soon as Bridget said, “What have you been up to today?” I paired up with this single dad and totally didn’t think about Damon all day. The words would tumble out without any effort like marbles rolling out of a bag.

  But as they walked into the park, paid at the gate and entered the snowy vista, Eva looked around and realised she was completely overreacting. The whole place was full of people, of kids tearing around with faces lit with excitement, and of adults gathering together to sip hot drinks and chat. Men and women mingled in couples and single sex gatherings and large groups. Nobody was going to take a blind bit of notice of the two of them. She’d made a friend, that was all, and anything else was her guilty conscience making too much of it.

  They ended up spending the whole afternoon in the park. Oscar didn’t sit still once; even when they ate lunch, he repeatedly got up to do a little jig at the side of the table, making Isabel giggle at how naughty he was before she ordered him back into his seat. Eva spent the first half an hour trying to stop him pestering the young girl, but then realised Isabel actually seemed to like it. By taking charge of Oscar and directing him to various rides, she was able to enjoy herself without feeling childish. So in the end, Eva let Isabel hold his hand, and she and Rudi just trailed along behind, enjoying their enthusiasm.

  “He’ll sleep well tonight.” She smiled, watching Oscar gripping hold of the bar in front of him as he and Isabel trundled around the North Pole ride for the umpteenth time on a little carriage.

  “Izzy too—which is good. Perhaps she will not have bad dreams tonight,” Rudi said.

  Eva turned in the chair to look at him. They sat at one of the many tables under the cover of a large canopy that kept off most of the snow, with a tall heater supplying some warmth, and hands around steaming cups of hot chocolate. The refreshment station was situated right in the centre of the small park, easily visible from all areas and staffed by lots of elves, so parents could take some time to sit and chat while the kids enjoyed themselves, and as usual, if the kids were happy and entertained, most of the parents were happy.

  Rudi looked sad, she thought, noting his wistful gaze as he watched his daughter. Of course she hadn’t known him for very long, but after spending most of the day with him, she was starting to be able to pick up on his moods, and he definitely seemed sad now.

  “Does she often have bad dreams?” she asked.

  He let out a long slow sigh. “Not every night, but more than she should.”

  “What about?”

  “Giant spiders chasing her, that sort of thing. I am sure Freud would say I am the spider.” He gave her a rueful smile.

  She rested a hand on his arm. “I’ve seen the way Izzy looks at you. She adores you—I am certain she doesn’t see you as any kind of monster. If anything, it is probably the situation that troubles her. Divorce is unsettling for most children, especially if it is not amicable.” She didn’t like to push, but from his veiled references she’d thought that was probably the case.

  He nodded. “Before we split, Vanessa and I did argue a lot. I thought in many ways it would be a relief for Izzy when Vanessa finally left—I mean obviously she would miss her mother, but I thought the release of tension would be good for her. But she became very withdrawn and quiet—she does not confide in me, and I cannot help but think she is angry with me for not working harder to keep her mother with us, you know?”

  “Maybe. She is still very young to understand that sometimes marriages don’t work out. That it’s not always a case of not loving the other person enough. That sometimes you just want different things.” She watched Oscar jump out of the carriage as the bar lifted and scurry along to the next ride, Isabel trailing behind him happily.

  “Is that what happened to you?” Rudi asked.

  She turned back to look at him, taken aback by the question. They had talked all day, but hadn’t really broached anything really intimate.

  “I am sorry,” he continued. “I did not mean to pry. It is not my place…”

  “No, no, it’s okay.”

  “It is just that after what you said yesterday, I think that maybe the same thing happened to you?”

  She sighed and looked down at her boots, scuffing them in the snow. “It was a bit of a whirlwind romance. I’d only been in the UK three months when I met Damon through a mutual friend. We had a great time—a large circle of friends, lots of parties. And then I found out I was pregnant.” Her cheeks grew warm—it was an embarrassing admission to make in this day and age when it was so easy to prevent. But she’d had to stop taking the pill because it had given her migraines, and it had only taken one slip up on a night of impulsive lovemaking after a party for her to fall. “It was one stupid mistake. I panicked, but Damon asked me to marry him, and I was so relieved I wasn’t going to have to return to New Zealand and tell my father I was going to be a single mother that I didn’t really think about the decision at all.”

  “That was very good of your husband, to do the honourable thing,” Rudi said.

  “Yes, it was. I suppose. But even before Oscar arrived, I began to realise we weren’t really compatible. I enjoy some parties and socialising, but I also love my quiet time—I do lots of crafts, lots of knitting and embroidery and reading, and I love movies. Damon was like Oscar—he could never sit still for longer than five minutes, and he hated staying in. As the pregnancy wore on and I grew more tired, I told him to go out without me, and after Oscar was born that just seemed to carry on. By the time he died, we were hardly spending any time together at all.”

  Rudi’s face showed his sympathy. “How did he die, if you don’t mind me asking?”

  “A car accident. He’d been drinking.” The usual shame flooded her. “I don’t like telling people that; it feels like I’m speaking ill of the dead, you know? And it upsets his mother terr
ibly. But it’s the truth. He’d been to a party, and although I always made him promise he’d get a lift home, he thought he was under the limit and in control. He wasn’t. And I’m mad at him because of that.” She fell silent as the anger that continued to simmer deep inside her boiled up temporarily. Truth to tell, she hated Damon for being so stupid and killing himself and leaving her alone.

  And a little bit of her hated him for asking her to marry him, because she’d felt as if she’d had to, to please her father. If Damon had refused to acknowledge the baby, it would have been hard, but at least she wouldn’t have had to go through a marriage that turned out to be a sham.

  And then she felt terrible, because he’d tried to do the right thing, and it wasn’t really his fault that they weren’t soul mates, was it?

  They sat quietly for a while, watching the snow. It had stopped for a while, but now it began again, thick white flakes floating around them and settling on the hats and shoulders of the children as they ran around. Although the sun hadn’t risen, the sky had lightened for a while, but now it was settling back into its gathering gloom.

  “I should get Oscar home,” she said, watching him sit down at a table for the first time in hours and rest his head on his arms. “I’ll try to get some tea down him, but I would think he’ll be asleep before six.”

  Rudi agreed, and they rose and collected the children and began to walk home. Oscar protested briefly, but when she promised him beans on toast in front of the fire while watching his favourite DVD, he soon capitulated and skipped along quietly.

  “Thank you for a lovely day,” she said to Rudi as they neared the cabins. “It’s been much better having someone to share it with.”

  “Yes, it has.” He slowed to a halt, and they watched the kids walk up to inspect the model of a reindeer that stood out the front with the cabin numbers, both of the children too tired to throw snowballs.

  Eva shoved her gloved hands in her pockets and looked up at Rudi. He seemed all height and breadth, his thick dark overcoat emphasising his size. He was so lovely, gentle and kind, with an understated sexiness she really liked. He smelled nice, his aftershave stirring her senses, and even though he’d been nothing but gentlemanly, there was something in the way he looked at her that lit a fuse right at the base of her spine to send tingles all the way to the nape of her neck.